The final leg

Today has been one of the longest days in a while. I found out around midnight last night that i was 3 points shy of a B+ on my test giving me a B- overall in my class. Normally this is no biggie, but last night and all of today I have felt defeated in a sense. You see, what those three points mean to me is the final answer in a roller coaster I have been playing all year.

There is no guarantee of a scholarship at ASU next year.

I have to appeal yet again. Granted, much has happened and it is possible (especially with God) to recieve the scholarship another year. So last night I couldn't sleep. I stopped writting my paper at 1am to try and rest yet I was awake until 4. After spending hours working on a 3d project and more hours at work running up and down stairs trying to keep my mind off the workload in the dorm rooms...well, i am mentally and physically exhausted. I'm sorry if I seem distant or down. The reason is because I am.

8 more days.

i can hear the whistling wind down the hall!

It's official...


monsoon season is here! I'm off to work! i hope the bus doesn't tip!

it is now 4:38am. I have been working on the Nav video for 6 hours today bot including the work from the past week. I am now two papers, one huge art project and two finals away from being done with my sophomore year in college. I think it's time for bed.

Things I Love from the past week...

• Last Sat. --randomly going to the Renaissance Faire for the heck of it!
• Playing softball on an intramural team and hitting an amazing pitch out to deep center to have my years old cleat break as i rounded second! (the bottom fell off!)
• MCing with my Mexican brother
• Walking into a gun club to get shells for an art project and not having the guy blink an eye.
• Spending 2 1/2 hours then drilling over 100 bullets
• Watching the Office three times and laughing just as hard each time
• The Casa Blanca ladies signing our lease to the condo!
• Trying Skyline Chili and getting a taste of Cincinnati
• going to the sunrise service at a different church and having the worship wake me up!
• Donuts after the service with friends
• Spending time just chilling with one of my favorite people and falling asleep during "Little Miss Sunshine" because we were so tired!
• Teaching people about missions in SGIM MILK
• CiCi's opening up in Mesa
• Finding out my grandmother bought an ab lounge!
• working at Chase field and making more tips than any other candy vendor! (partially because i sometimes yell, "Red Vines...M&Ms...pay off my tuition! (people think it's funny!))
• getting a text from my friend informing me she was in the back of a police car!
• eating sour patch kids
• Max Brenner?
• Eating fresh grapefruit in my room the way my mom and I used to.

What are you loving from this past week?

breathing

"Slugs! He created slugs. They can't hear! They can't speak! They can't operate machinery! I mean, are we not in the hands of a lunatic? If I were creating a world, I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, day one!"





Today...

just really felt like a good day to know I am a child of God.

Finding my Neverland

J.M. Barrie: [gives him a journal] Here you go.

Peter Llewelyn Davies: What's this?

J.M. Barrie: All great writers begin with a good leather binding and a respectable title. Open it.

Peter Llewelyn Davies: [reads] "The Boy Castaways: Being a record of the terrible adventures of the brothers Davies, faithfully set forth by Peter Llewelyn Davies."

J.M. Barrie: Kipling would swallow his own ear for a title like that!

Peter Llewelyn Davies: I still have no idea what to write.

J.M. Barrie: Write about anything. Write about your family, write about the talking whale!

Peter Llewelyn Davies: What whale?

J.M. Barrie: The one that's trapped in your imagination and desperate to get out.

I love the movie Finding Neverland. I haven't watched it in a long time but it was on my mind today. It is one of four movies that makes my cry every time i watch it. (the other three are field of dreams, men of honor, and hardball. We are Marshall will probably be added to the list as soon as it comes out to DVD) But i was thinking about how it makes me cry every time i watch it and compared it to this whole scholarship situation. Almost every time i dwell and have time to process i just start crying! Today I forgot to turn in an element of my Comp. Literacy homework. I realized right as class ended and when i got back to the dorms I just lost it.

I'm dreaming big.

I'm clinging to the promise that God will grant the desires of my heart. I don't know how it could possibly come to be, but I'm asking and willing to receive. I used to think God would tell me I was asking for something too big if I prayed for something i really desired, like "God, I need $8,000 for Holland and it's getting close" or "God, I really want to make all "A's" this semester," but He wants to listen to my prayers and give me what is best, even if it doesn't necessarily line up with my wants. God is above time and doesn't always give us what we need right up until we need it.

I used to be like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday. I could never cry. These days that tends to be the opposite these days. But it is not the tears of failure...or of mourning that stream from my eyes. They are the tears of waiting. Tears of the unknown. Tears of fear from maybe having to leave behind great friends once again. I've done that so much in life I wish it were a smaller world after-all. I wish Kayla and Kristy lived in the same world as Jean and Guido, Delaja, Alexa, and Ariel. Then I wish that world would transform next door to the world of Sarah, Katy, Emily, Mish, my roomies, and the troopers which would magically be in the same duplex as my family. Long distance is hard. Sometimes i feel like i am trapped between four worlds not including suburbs. Kinda looking forward to that mansion in de hemmel one day.

Don't get me wrong..life is good. A little hard at times, but for now I'm ok with being a little emotional. After-all...the tears eventually stop right.