it is now 4:38am. I have been working on the Nav video for 6 hours today bot including the work from the past week. I am now two papers, one huge art project and two finals away from being done with my sophomore year in college. I think it's time for bed.

Things I Love from the past week...

• Last Sat. --randomly going to the Renaissance Faire for the heck of it!
• Playing softball on an intramural team and hitting an amazing pitch out to deep center to have my years old cleat break as i rounded second! (the bottom fell off!)
• MCing with my Mexican brother
• Walking into a gun club to get shells for an art project and not having the guy blink an eye.
• Spending 2 1/2 hours then drilling over 100 bullets
• Watching the Office three times and laughing just as hard each time
• The Casa Blanca ladies signing our lease to the condo!
• Trying Skyline Chili and getting a taste of Cincinnati
• going to the sunrise service at a different church and having the worship wake me up!
• Donuts after the service with friends
• Spending time just chilling with one of my favorite people and falling asleep during "Little Miss Sunshine" because we were so tired!
• Teaching people about missions in SGIM MILK
• CiCi's opening up in Mesa
• Finding out my grandmother bought an ab lounge!
• working at Chase field and making more tips than any other candy vendor! (partially because i sometimes yell, "Red Vines...M&Ms...pay off my tuition! (people think it's funny!))
• getting a text from my friend informing me she was in the back of a police car!
• eating sour patch kids
• Max Brenner?
• Eating fresh grapefruit in my room the way my mom and I used to.

What are you loving from this past week?

breathing

"Slugs! He created slugs. They can't hear! They can't speak! They can't operate machinery! I mean, are we not in the hands of a lunatic? If I were creating a world, I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, day one!"





Today...

just really felt like a good day to know I am a child of God.

Finding my Neverland

J.M. Barrie: [gives him a journal] Here you go.

Peter Llewelyn Davies: What's this?

J.M. Barrie: All great writers begin with a good leather binding and a respectable title. Open it.

Peter Llewelyn Davies: [reads] "The Boy Castaways: Being a record of the terrible adventures of the brothers Davies, faithfully set forth by Peter Llewelyn Davies."

J.M. Barrie: Kipling would swallow his own ear for a title like that!

Peter Llewelyn Davies: I still have no idea what to write.

J.M. Barrie: Write about anything. Write about your family, write about the talking whale!

Peter Llewelyn Davies: What whale?

J.M. Barrie: The one that's trapped in your imagination and desperate to get out.

I love the movie Finding Neverland. I haven't watched it in a long time but it was on my mind today. It is one of four movies that makes my cry every time i watch it. (the other three are field of dreams, men of honor, and hardball. We are Marshall will probably be added to the list as soon as it comes out to DVD) But i was thinking about how it makes me cry every time i watch it and compared it to this whole scholarship situation. Almost every time i dwell and have time to process i just start crying! Today I forgot to turn in an element of my Comp. Literacy homework. I realized right as class ended and when i got back to the dorms I just lost it.

I'm dreaming big.

I'm clinging to the promise that God will grant the desires of my heart. I don't know how it could possibly come to be, but I'm asking and willing to receive. I used to think God would tell me I was asking for something too big if I prayed for something i really desired, like "God, I need $8,000 for Holland and it's getting close" or "God, I really want to make all "A's" this semester," but He wants to listen to my prayers and give me what is best, even if it doesn't necessarily line up with my wants. God is above time and doesn't always give us what we need right up until we need it.

I used to be like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday. I could never cry. These days that tends to be the opposite these days. But it is not the tears of failure...or of mourning that stream from my eyes. They are the tears of waiting. Tears of the unknown. Tears of fear from maybe having to leave behind great friends once again. I've done that so much in life I wish it were a smaller world after-all. I wish Kayla and Kristy lived in the same world as Jean and Guido, Delaja, Alexa, and Ariel. Then I wish that world would transform next door to the world of Sarah, Katy, Emily, Mish, my roomies, and the troopers which would magically be in the same duplex as my family. Long distance is hard. Sometimes i feel like i am trapped between four worlds not including suburbs. Kinda looking forward to that mansion in de hemmel one day.

Don't get me wrong..life is good. A little hard at times, but for now I'm ok with being a little emotional. After-all...the tears eventually stop right.

candy..popcorn...peanuts..get your candy here!

So i got a new job for the summer today! I am working at Chase Field where the AZ Diamondbacks play as a vendor! My first day is for a pre-season game Sat. afternoon and then I get to work opening day! I've always wanted to be a vendor! Imagine...money for working...and getting to go to unlimited baseball games for free! I am so excited! My friends mock me about my excitement though!

Speaking about baseball, i also played my first game on an intramural league here on campus. It was fun although we did end up getting run-ruled! my average is currently a .500. not too shabby! One field error though. i think i'm probably the only one who actually cares about that though! I have an enormous list of things to do for tomorrow so i think i am off to bed!

Gods zegen voor ons.

bumbles?

is this me?

Won't you be my neighbor?

It's Official!!! We are having the best neighbors ever this summer (well..while they aren't off serving God in different countries!) going into next year! I love how God answers prayers! Now if he will just release the answer to the whole confirming he wants me here next year!

BIG test in Geology at 9am. This is a big one please pray!

whatever happened to wishing upon a star and dreams coming true?

Ifs.

My life consists of a lot of ifs right now. If i make this grade I'll be ok or if i can drop this class and maintain three A+ grades where one class is not on the +/- system i can make it. Or if all else fails if i get the art scholarship i'll have in-state tuitian for next year. If I spend my time filling out scholarships I can for sure stay at ASU next year.

I feel like a broken record lately. The situation I am in is on my mind constantly. This past week I actually succeeded in stressing myself out to the point of illness. Exactly one year ago, a dear friend of mine said, "God answers prayers like there is nothing hard about it." I agree with that. But it is still hard for me when the answer is wait. In the Bible it says to be anxious about nothing. Seriously? nothing?!? that's hard.

There is so much I want to be able to take into my own hands and control yet I realize I am not able to handle anything right now...especially on my own. This Tuesday is a major test for me. It is my hardest subject and also one of the key classes in determining where I will be next year. Key in our terms. Since God is above time it is all taken care of. Another friend used to always remind me of that. I wish I could take these truths and let the peace of Christ reign in my heart. Right now...i am uneasy.

Dust Bowl

So I live in the desert.

Today in Geology, Prof. Burt was talking about the effects of wind on erosion and the development of dunes. Talking about (as DC Talk put it) how you can't see the wind but you can see the effects of the wind. Biking to my Art History test i felt the wind on my back and thought back to a story a friend shared with me last week. We shared testimonies and he reflected on the moment he recieved Christ remembering a gust of wind. At the time he just thought it was pretty sweet, but with reflection admires the wind recognizing the Holy Spirit is described as a gust of wind. I'm not really good at recognizing God's presence in my life. He's always with me, but sometimes it is harder for me to see than others.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a dust storm. God's presence is all around everything in my life right now but as the wind picks up I can't see what is forming around me. I'm not sure where I am headed or where to step. I shift my weight trying to maintain balance only to realize the best bet is to wait until I hear a whisper guiding me where I should go.

On Spring Break we played a version of Fear factor and in one of the rounds a teammate was blindfolded and had to run behind someone banging a pot lid to direct them where to go. It's scary not being able to see. And sometimes I don't want to take a step forward. But as God's whisper guides I know I can trust His voice to follow. I want to be a Rhino. Running 30mph while I can only see 30 feet in front of me. As I've said before...the Christian life is like driving at night. You can only see as far as the headlights reach, but you can make the whole trip that way. So here I am...waiting to move. Waiting to run ahead.

San Felipe and back again

So last week was Spring Break (don't panic mom and dad, it's only a henna tattoo!). It was a good break. One day we even got to serve a local missionary by helping him move as after 7 years he has to move back to the US to be with family in poor health. (His name is Bob if you want to keep him in your prayers as it is a hard time for him to leave his ministry and move on.) I got to hang out with some precious people but a lot of stress has still been on my heart lately with school. One of my friends is in the same position I am, but he has joined the army knowing his scholarship is gone.

I am trying everything I can to stay at ASU next year and study hard. This is going to be an intense week for me. Yesterday morning my hardrive crashed so Katy drove me around to buy me a new one and after over 6 hours I finally am back up and running for my classes tomorrow. So for the past year I have been reading straight through the Bible and last week I was at II Kings 23:22-23. I love how immedietly as Josiah hears from the Book of the Law he takes action right away as his eyes are enlightened. Talk about Ecc. 5:4 and not delaying when making a vow to God! Josiah took action on what he knew to be true and he didn't waste a minuate in it! This is the focus I am praying for as this semester goes on. I still have 2 tests, 2 presentations, 2 photo assignments, art sketches, a critique, the study for the girl I am discipling, and preparing for next weeks tests in the next few days alone. But i am aware of the situation I am in and need to keep at it. A friend of mine actually complemented me the other day as I walked her to my car about my ability to know what I need to do and doing it. It was nice to know people can see my heart and how much I yearn to stay in the land I love here in Tempe. Funny...two years ago I would've never dreamed those words would come from my mouth! I love the way God works...sometimes i wish he'd give me a sneak peak at the future though!

Here is a photo of Katy in my amazing cowboy hat missionary Bob gave me, DJ, myself, Heather, and Sara Bedient. Mexico really was a good time to just relax and get to know the freshman girls better!

every fork has its day

i would just like the world to know, this is the end result of the Goliath fork. But alas, the hot glue was too much for my poor skin to handle, so Nurse Katy came to the aide. I guess Dr. Garcia doesn't make out of state calls. But my finger is bandaged and hope of pain decreasing is at last here.

Did i mention there are only 3 more days to San Felipe? I think i can sleep well tonight.

wisdom is knowing what time it is...ecc. 3

I haven't posted on the blog in a while becasue i am so confussed and wondering i don't know what to do right now.

Psalm 27:14 says, "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

I love how God gets the fact that we don't get it. The first and last thing in this verse is to wait on the LORD. We tend to like the being strong part and the taking heart but the waiting...not so much. And yet God has to put it in one verse twice! Just as he talked to Moses about freeing his people, God reminds Moses the staff is in his hand. God constantly tells me, i'm here, right here. I'm accesable for you and want to work through things and future plans with you. Just relax.

But it's hard to do when you are left waiting.

I'm tired of giving things up to God and then pulling the little kid routine pulling on his pant leg asking him to let me in on His plans. I wish the whole waiting thing were easier.

I have built a monster...

9 feet and 10 inches. The fork structure is finished. I bought 7 cans of spray paint so my weekend will be spent transporting the beast across campus to the paint booth before the final photo shoot. Not quite as large as Golaith but i will still call the fork by that name!

Myers-Briggs. INFP

Based on the answers you submitted, the program has determined your personality type. It is important to confirm these results using the buttons below the picture. INFP.
I - Introversion
N - Intuition
F - Feeling
P - Perception

General Description:INFPs value harmony and want their work, friends and home to reflect this value. INFPs are quiet and adaptable. They will not easily share their inner self (or their sense of humour) with others unless they have built a trusting relationship with them. INFPs are creative and complex so they get bored quickly by routine jobs. Career Insights:INFPs need to believe in their work; they need their work to reflect their values of harmony, unity and friendship. Their careers often reflect their ability to improve other people's lives through verbal skills. They work best when they have the freedom to respond creatively to the needs of the moment for short periods of time. The type of careers that honour these traits include fine arts, counselling, writing, teaching (art, music and drama), library work and entertainment.

attempting to figure things out...

James 1:2-6 --Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

So i've always enjoyed the book of James. My New Testament professor was always eager to remind us that it is 'an epistle of straw!', but that doesn't mean i agree with him. I'm at this point in life where I am asking God for something and I just have to keep the faith and believe it is all going to work out. That's a hard thing to do. I feel like i keep giving up my burden to God and telling him to take it away but as He does I am pulling on his pant leg like a little child asking him to let me in on what His will is for my life and what my future holds. This isn't who at faith is supposed to look like. But it's hard to just let God work as we blindly follow. But i keep trying to remind myself that 'the Christian life is like driving at night. you can only see as far as the headlights reach but you can make the entire trip that way.' And we still do have directions. God has given us His word to instruct us and teach us. To encourage us and remind us of His promises. That doesn't mean life will be easy. It doesn't mean everything is going to work it out as I want. But it means i'm safe. I'm accepted. I'm loved and cared for. I know He knows what's best for me but I have to trust in that knowledge and believe, truly believe, that if He wants me to remain at ASU next year i'll be here and there is nothing i can do to stop that. I pray that is His will.

"if sin was blue, we'd all be smurfs!"

so it looks like i'm not going to pine cove for the summer after-all. I wonder if maybe God doesn't want me there because it is still within my comfort zone. Working with mid-schoolers and photography at a place i love. I was thinking about that last week and decided i'd be ok with whatever answer God provided. So after seeing Katy's play again and a venture to Sonic, I walked in the door and checked my e-mail first thing. I saw the address was from pine cove and prayed mentally that'd i'd be ok with whatever the e-mail said. maybe it is the little pessism in me but i wasn't too shocked it said no. less than 25% of the applications were needed. I pray God uses the counslers there for His glory for i know i am not there for some reason.

So now the question is...what's next? I'm currently looking for a job in Arizona. I will be moving into a house most likely in May but i am fine if God wants me to take some time off and serve him. The oppotunity to go to Russia has been on the table for almost 2 years now and i think i may look more and pray more into it. I am also thinking about a nav trip to Turkey. I have no idea anymore. time to wait. Normally when you think of a time to do something you think that you have to take action right then. Like, time to go to work or time to get up or eat. But no, God says it's time to wait. Time to trust. Time to pray.

Perspectives on Missions

Last night at Navs was really an awakening experience for me. Sometimes I forget the things I truly value and care about in life. I get distracted from my heart's passions. I think my senses just needed to be dulled by the world in order for me to be awakened. There were four people from a group called The Traveling Team that spoke. The last time i heard from teh traveling team was the closing night of my Perspectives course my Junior year of high school. It was the night everyone finally figured out I wsan't in college but high school. I was deciding about Holland at the time. Todd Aaron (I find it so weird that i can actually remember his name!) spoke on taking what we learned in the course from head to heart and talked about a lot of reasons why people don't go into missions. Reasons such as fund-raising is not anti-biblical but anti-american. As well as people's different roles in missions as a go-er, supporter, mobilizer, and prayer warrior. I've always wondered which one I am. I could see myself in various areas at various times. I used to be on the youth missions sub-committee at Crossroads and i loved getting to talk to different missionaries and see what God was doing in the world. I missed that. I need an outlet for this rediscovered passion of mine.
I've had the typical problems that college students deal with...majors. I am a photography major and i like it for what it is but i don't like having to fit my work into the genre of fine art and being knocked if i tell my reasoning and purpose behind a photo in a photojournalistic manner. I've had the issue of dealing with the tyranny of the urgent and giving things in my life importances they really don't carry. So I've had to ask myself where my passion truly lies...i know it is people..i've always known that. But now, this important NavNite has sparked an idea. I have been blessed with lots of facts and informations on God's heart for the world. Who am i to keep it to myself? So I am praying about starting a 'mission's course' for siblings here at ASU. I don't know what it will look like and yet i am sure this is what needs to be done. I ask for prayers and support. If you want to help...my funds as a college student are limited and we would like to go through a few books together including Operation World and possibly God's Heart for the Nations. If you would like to help by providing these you can send them to my address here in Arizona. I would like to start within the next few weeks. For as Ecc. 5:4 says, "when you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it." So i am jumping into the pool headfirst and working not for God, but with Him in this. I couldn't be more joyful about this. This subject matter just really excites me.

The Wager

Let me start of by saying that i have some amazingly talented friends.

Ryan's clarinet recital and then val's percussion concert and today, Katy's musical. It was really cool to see it all come together. In two more days The Wager's worldwide premier will come to a close, but today it was all onstage and alive! It was really amazing to see my friend happy in her element. Plus she has an amazing voice so it was a treat to be in the audience anyway! I do have to admit, I am looking forward to having my friend back around though. After all, where is a Carlos without a Joe close by!

The Day After Valentines...

and what an interesting day it has been!

Today hasn't been ridiculous but it has been odd. I accomplished a lot and saw both my honors and photography advisors. I left class early on the verge of death but managed to make it through my next course before coming back to the room and getting a phone call from someone i haven't heard from in a month or so. I found out how this person's life is doing and their future goals. It was a nice chat, granted a little awkward but nice. Then, after watching the office and grey's i just feel antsy. Have you ever felt that way? You have done stuff for the day and accomplished a lot and yet it feels like you still have a ton of energy to burn! *sigh* i don't know. Maybe it's time for a shower. too bad Ultimate frisbee isn't on Thursdays too!

Photographer: Alicia D. Garcia

I got my first cover of the State Press Special publications in the school paper today! i know it may sound a little selfish but i really enjoy seeing my name in print. Granted, the paycheck isn't bad either but i love writting and photographing knowing it isn't just for an assignment but for people to see. As a result of the publication, i recieved 2 e-mails today asking me to work for them as a photographer. I said yes to one and will be organizing the photos for the walter cronkite village! My first major test of the semester is tomorrow! Then another wed, monday and tuesday! Pray for diligence in studying and remembering what i need to!

I read this verse the other day and i truly enjoy it.

Moses said to the LORD, "You have been telling me, 'Lead these people,' but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, 'I know you by name and you have found favor with me.' If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people."

Ex. 33:12-13

scrub-a-dub dub

Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." John 13:10

Do you remember the last time you scrubbed your feet? I mean went away at them with a bar of soap to get every last piece of dirt off? Do you remember the last time you showered? A little bit of a different time span I assume. I don't remember the last time i truly scrubbed away before tonight. I went through John 13 with the Navs talking about servanthood. But Peter has always stuck out to me as i feel like him at times. Getting to be so blessed by God and then not living up to my full potential. Letting that bit of dirt get between the skin of my foot and holy ground. God's love and acceptance is unconditional. There is nothing we can do to change who he is yet we try to picture Him with our broken, human definitions that can't even fathom perfection.

So we scrub.

We try to get a picture of God from His word and our relationship with him. We take a snap-shot but cannot even decided where to start taking our 2-d image and transforming it into a 3-d animation.

So we stare.

We remember the good old times and try to see past the muck we shove in our own eyes to see something better. To see God's glory in our lives.